The constant comparisons are getting a bit tiresome, so let me set the record straight: I, unlike the Pope, am not infallible.

Yes, we share an affinity for Italian shoes and dramatic hats, and it is also true that we both sleep upside-down in dark caves but that is where the similarities end, people! I make mistakes. I occasionally forget to shave entire giant patches of my legs and yes, at times, I make sucky cupcakes.
I suppose one bunk recipe in a book (125 Best Cupcake Recipes by Julie Hasson) full of winners is still a pretty good run, though. I’m wondering, though, if this failure was due to the recipe, or due to the fact that I was baking with ill intent. Well, not so much “ill” intent, but I wasn’t baking for the love of baking or to make anyone else happy.

I set out to bake cute cupcakes that I could top with the classic monster cupcake toppers my mother-in-law made. (Sorry, those have sold out.) I wanted to add the pictures to my Etsy shop to give the toppers a sort of scale for reference. That is, I want people to see how big the toppers are in relation to the cupcakes. Perhaps somehow the cupcake gods and demons knew I wasn’t baking for pure reasons and they punished me with these little turd cupcakes. I want to stop referring to these as “cupcakes” at this point. We could use a lot of terms; let’s see there’s buttcakes, badcakes, yuckcakes, cuppoop, weird muffins… it goes on and on.

What I ended up with was these heavy, dry little cuprocks that I did not feel were worthy of even frosting. My husband liked them dunked in coffee, which is great, I suppose, because it means they’ll get eaten, but no one wants their cupcakes to need dunking in order to be edible.
So I know after such a glowing review you all want this recipe so you can make it right now. Well, just in case there are some masochists out there, here it is.
For the cupcakes you will need:

  • 1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/4 tsp baking powder
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 1/2 cup sweetened flaked coconut
  • 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 2 eggs
  • 2/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Then you:
Preheat your oven to 350 and line a pan with paper liners. Also, warn your family that they’re about to eat some shitty cupcakes.
In a small bowl, mix together flour, baking powder and salt. Stir in coconut. Don’t bother sifting for fluffiness. Unless you’re sifting in pixy dust nothing is fluffing these fuckers up.
In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat together the sugar, butter and vanilla until well combined. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add flour mixture, beating until smooth. Stir in chocolate chips.
Scoop batter in to pan and bake 25-30 minutes. Or 7 hours. It doesn’t matter; they’re gross either way. You might as well squeeze in a nap if you can.
Cool in pan for 10 minutes then remove from pan and throw in garbage.