F Arbor Day: Cheryl’s Revenge Vegan Cookies

vegan cookieWhen I was about to watch The Evil Dead for the first time at a slumber party back in high school, the very first scene that my friend described to me was the scene for which I wrote this recipe.

I’m not sure why she thought “this one girl gets raped by a tree” would make me want to see this particular movie, and even more curious is the fact that “this one girl gets raped by a tree” did make me want to see this movie. I was every bit as shocked and horrified by Cheryl’s unfortunate run-in with nature as I thought I would be, and the image of those writhing vines and branches has never fully been erased from my mind.

It occurred to me recently that Arbor Day, celebrated in the United States on the last Friday in April, is probably Cheryl’s most hated holiday. I considered going out and kicking every tree I saw that day in her honor, but I don’t really think that’s enough considering… well, considering. And that’s when I thought of something completely diabolical- the best/worst possible way to get back at anyone or anything that does you harm. Eat its children.

Now technically, the seeds contained in fruits are the “children,” and the fruit itself is an ovary of sorts. I remember gagging when I learned that in high school biology and I still can’t eat apples without feeling like a cannibal, which luckily, I enjoy. All nuts are seeds (but not all seeds are nuts- thus concluding a sentence that is sure to make my husband laugh.) So basically, when you eat Cheryl’s Revenge Cookies, you are consuming reproductive organs of various trees, as well as their babies. And that, I believe, is a suitable revenge for poor Cheryl.

I have made these cookies vegan* because chickens and cows didn’t do anything vile to Cheryl. Only plants. So plants and trees alone shall bear the punishment. This recipe leaves lots of room for customization, and the ingredients are purposefully vague. Use whatever dried fruits (cranberries, raisins, blueberries, apples, banana chips, cherries, etc) and whatever kind of nuts you like. Go crazy and add chocolate chips! Who gives a damn?

The Evil DeadYou’ll need: 

  • 1 cup + 2 Tbs all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp course salt
  • 1/2 cup soy margarine (I like Earth Balance)
  • 1/2 cup light brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup granulated sugar
  • 1 Tbs flax seed, finely ground + 3 Tbs of water (or, if you’re using pre-ground flax seeds, use 2 Tbs)
  • 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • 1 & 1/2 cups chopped nuts, your choice
  • 1  & 1/2 cups dried fruit, your choice
  • 3/4 cup sweetened, shredded coconut or whole rolled oats

*If you do not wish to make these vegan, substitute butter for the margarine and use 1 whole egg in place of the flax seed and water mixture.

Then you:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and line two baking sheets with parchment paper. (You can also use a Silpat, but parchment kills more trees.)

Whisk the dry ingredients together in a small bowl. With an electric mixer, beat the margarine until smooth and fluffy. Add sugars and beat until smooth. In a small bowl, whisk the ground flax seed and water together until thick and gooey. Add this to the sugar mixture and beat until combined. Mix in vanilla.

Add the flour mixture to the wet ingredients and mix until smooth. Stir in the nuts and fruit.

Drop batter (2 Tbs = one cookie) onto the lined baking sheet, about 2” apart. Bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown. Transfer to wire rack to cool.

Makes about 2 dozen vengeful, murderous cookies.

Originally posted on Brutal as Hell, April 2009.