Oh hello! Did you know that I totally hate Christmas? Oh man, I really do! Most of the time when I say this to people they stare at me like I have just landed in their cornfield and am asking them for directions to the nearest anal probing station. But I am not from another planet, I am just a generally cranky person who can’t stand calendar-dictated mandatory times of joy.
But, I have a kid now. Well, OK, I’ve had a kid for almost 9 years, and in recent years he’s noticed things like “mommy won’t let us get a Christmas tree because she says hanging ornaments is annoying” and well, that makes me feel bad. So I’ve been trying to find ways to make doing the things you’re “supposed” to do for the holidays less likely to send me into a hate spiral.
And with that, I give you my top picks and insider tips for making the holidays less gross and terrible. Stick around for coupon codes & a giveaway, too!
Decorating the House and Junk
First things first, it is required by law that you make your home that you have worked hard to make into a palace of solitude – your special hideaway filled with the things you love the most, where no one stupid can talk to you and no one can make you wear pants – look stupid. So if you have to put holly jolly crap in your house, it might as well be this pretty cool-looking crap.
Pizza Ballz Ornament Kit by Betty Turbo, $6.
Everything you need to make your own icosahedron ornament – or, more realistically, everything you need to give to your kid to make them make you a icosahedron ornament.
Save 15% on everything from Betty Turbo with code MERRYWHATEVER (exp 12/31)
**Giveaway Alert** Enter below to win three Betty Turbo greeting cards of your choice!
Morrissey Holiday Tree Topper by LastCraft, $5.50
“But sometimes I’d feel more fulfilled making Christmas cards with the mentally ill.” – Morrissey
Save 15% on everything from LastCraft with code HEXMAS (exp 12/31)
Retro Ornaments by Everyday is a Holiday, $9
Pro tip: Why wait for the holidays? Find every random nail sticking out of your walls and hang a macaron or a donut from it.
Save 15% on everything from Everyday is a Holiday with code HOLIDAY15 (exp 12/5)
Inflatable Christmas Tree, prices vary
If I wanted a tree in my house I would live in the forest or whatever. So, a couple years ago I compromised with Teno and Tony and allowed an inflatable outdoor decoration inside. My favorite part is unplugging it at night and watching it crumple into a pile.
Pro tip: If you’re crafty definitely make your own tree skirt because most of them in stores are awful. Or, if you’re lazy like me, but you own cool circle skirts (also like me) use one of them! I use a circle skirt made with vintage 1980s WWF bedsheets for my tree skirt every year.
DIY Creepy Elf Garland by RawBoneStudio, $5
Pro tip: I actually have one of her vintage Halloween garlands hanging year round because garland = Crimmus no matter what’s on it.
Acknowledging the Holidays with an Antiquated Form of Communication via an Inefficient, Unreliable Delivery Service
One year I lived in an apartment building with no laundry room. Well, no. I thought there was no laundry room because I never went anywhere in the building except for my apartment. Turns out there was a HUGE laundry room literally right next to my back patio. Anyway, I spent a lot of time that year at the laundromat because I am an idiot. I killed time one November by hand-drawing 35 different holiday cards. Messages ranged from “Crappy Crolidays” featuring a snowman with no head to “Cannibal Christmas” featuring an impaled snowman. I sent them all out and literally no one was impressed at all. Therefore, I did not send out another holiday hard until years later when Teno was born and I felt pressured by my relatives to do so. Since then, I’ve tried to find ways to make our cards the opposite of corny and lame.
Photoshop, $0 and up – I am no good at it, but lots of people are. Find one of those people and have them place your family in hilarious holiday situations. Or, find someone online who will trade you money for their time, and have them do it for you. A few years ago, I hired this artist on Etsy to turn Teno into an elf.
Illustrated Family Portraits – There’s no shortage of artists online who will turn your family into a work of art at a very reasonable cost. Be sure to read their turnaround times to ensure a timely delivery! Here are a few suggestions:
Impromptu Photoshoot – As I already said, I like to send out illustrations in place of photos for our annual card, but I’m leaning toward a photoshoot next year… inside our favorite hot dog stand. We’ve also taken some pretty great shots inside our favorite comic book store and at a booth inside a pizza parlor. If standing awkwardly together in front of the tree makes you happy, go for it. Otherwise, why not just take a casual shot in one of your family’s favorite places and call it a day?
Steph’s Mensch Corner
Shout out to all the Jewish bakers and destroyers out there! My pal Stephanie Samuels is here to introduce you to her top picks for Hanukkah!
Gold & Silver Temporary Hanukkah Tattoos by ModernTribe, $12.95 – “You shall not make gashes in your flesh for the dead, or incise any marks on yourselves: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28). Need a work-around? Try these shiny temporary tats!
Mensch on a Bench, $29.99 – You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf, now meet Moshe, the Mensch on a Bench. Every day of Hanukkah give your Mensch a Shamash candle to hold and every night use that candle to light your Menorah.
Gelt for Grownups by Veruca Chocolates,$12 – Foil-wrapped coins are a Hanukkah tradition, but they are also traditionally not-delicious. Until now. These cRc-certified Kosher chocolate coins are available in milk (38%) or dark (64%) chocolate.
There is a Light That Never Goes Out Hanukkah Cards by LastCraft, $6.50 for 4 – This might not be the card you send to your bubby, but Jewish or not, your Moz-loving friends will love it. Use code HEXMAS for 15% off. (exp 12/31)
Getting People Stuff
You may have noticed that this is not a gift guide. I decided to do something different this year, what do you think so far? If you want to see dozens of cool gift picks from years past, please check my archives. Oh, and you know, buy my shirts and coffee mugs and stuff, too… and my book. Here are a few more things I have on my own personal “want” list this year:
Pizza Cutter Charm by Tumbleweeds Handcraft, $30
New York Crew Seinfeld Shirt by MonstersOutside, $15 – full disclosure: I already bought this for myself because I’m the worst
Baphomet Christmas Sweater by Shredders Apparel, $69.99
Vampira’s Ghoul Gang T-shirt by Kreepsvile 666, $25
**Giveaway Alert** Enter below to win a copy of my book Bake and Destroy: Good Food for Bad Vegans!
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