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Hello from the fuuuuuutuuuurrreeeee! Check out the 2017 gift guide here.

I’m not here to argue about Valentine’s Day with anyone. I think we can all agree that it’s a stupid, made up holiday, but after that, it’s kind of on you whether or not you want to try and make it fun anyway, or if you just want to crap on it. I’m with you no matter what you decide, as I am equally a fan of having fun and hating stuff for no reason.

That being said, I personally do celebrate Valentine’s Day because when you have been married for 10 years it’s kind of nice to have the calendar remind you that you should do mushy stuff with the person you love. Tony and Teno own most all of my heart, but of course in my own strange way, I’ll always be true to Moz. So, in honor of the most loveable unloveable of all, I give you this Valentine’s Day gift guide for the Morrissey fan in your life, even if that fan is you.

EDITED-Nobody's_NothingMy friend Melisser and I bonded over a love of cake and Morrissey, so it’s only fitting that her new enamel pin company Sabretooth Dream produces some of my favorite food-and-Morrisey-themed pins. You can pre-order their new Nobody’s Nothing pin now (at the time of this post) and have it in time for Valentine’s Day.

imageI’m not sure why Morrissey fandom and hardcore go hand-in-hand (hand in glove?) but they do. That’s why Ails and Ills is in business, I’m pretty sure. This shop makes a handful of clever Moz-themed mashups, my favorite being this Cro-Moz t-shirt.

il_570xN.840269136_iovkChicago’s own LastCraft is another one-stop shop for all things Pope of Mope. From enamel pins to tote bags to my personal favorite, altar candles. There are currently two Moz designs to choose from, I like this one that benefits animal charities.

il_570xN.372676493_o7nkYour chances of cuddling Morrissey in this life are few, let’s be honest. So why not make due by snuggling up to this snack-and-Moz mashup pillow from Betty Turbo? Yes, you guessed it – S’Morrissey.

il_570xN.778090646_5f1tYou’re the one for me, fatty, so I got you these vegan cookies decorated with the sweet face of the man himself. Goodies from Compassionate Cake take 1-2 weeks to ship, so get your orders in early and shoot them a message to make sure you’ll have them in time to eat them all alone on Valentine’s Day.

il_570xN.888404097_cq4gNothing says, “I wanna sex you up” like an infographic, am I right? Well who says Valentine’s Day has to be all about lingerie and champagne? If your true love is a nerd AND a Morrissey fan (yes there is a difference, shut up) this Lyrical Themes of Morrissey Songs chart is just the thing to sweep him or her of their feet.

il_570xN.601597290_8wzgThere’s a hot debate on Morrissey message boards (so I hear… I’m not trolling them or anything) about what scent graces His skin. Is it Gucci PH? Aqua di Parma? C&S No.88, perhaps? I don’t know, but I do know that when my friend caught one of the many Prada button-up shirts Morrissey tossed into the crowd at a concert one night in Chicago and we buried our faces in it to see what He smelled like my first reaction was, “Wow, he smells like church.” So, you could spend $80+ on one of the scents rumored to be his favorite, or you could pick up Born of Fire or maybe Hades from Bath Sabbath – both with smokey, woodsy notes, and spend the rest of your cash on the aforementioned items.

The Internet is exploding with Morrissey merch – some awesome, like the things I’ve suggested here, and some embarrassingly not awesome. Have you seen something that would make an amazing gift for a Moz fan? Tell me in the comments!