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Ok, full disclosure: I work for Lifeway Foods. Teno is, of course, never biased by things like that, but I thought you should know just for the sake or transparency. That being said, we bought these ProBugs Frozen Kefir pops at Whole Foods with real cash money – about $6 for a box of six.

Kefir, for those of you who aren’t hip to Dr. Oz’s jive, is a cultured dairy product – similar to yogurt, but with more probiotic activity. Lifeway makes a wide variety of drinkable kefir – conventional, organic, lowfat, nonfat, whole milk, etc. as well as frozen kefir – which is kind of like fro-yo, but again, more probiotics. Everything is gluten-free, lactose-free, and GMO-free so it’s pretty kid-friendly across the board. Anyway, here’s Teno’s take on these frozen pops, which are 70 calories each:

Note: Teno has trouble opening every package always. But I have found that these are easier to open when they’re really cold, right out of the freezer, than they are after they’ve warmed up a bit.

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Teno and I admit we have a lot of kinks to work out in this whole reviewing stuff process. After posting review-after-review of Pringles potato snacks on YouTube this summer (seriously, watch them, they’re hilarious), and even a few guest spots on The Snackpot, we figured posting regular reviews of healthy kids snacks and recipes for kids would be no big deal. But it’s taken us months to finally get around to doing some actual reviews for Food Puncher, and we’d apologize except that we’re too busy playing Nintendoland.

This week, Teno checked out Fruit Roll-Ups Simply Fruit ($2.99/10 pk). We usually buy him fruit leather from Trader Joe’s but he brings his lunch to school and there’s a lot of pressure on these little dudes to have cool stuff in their lunch bags. Sadly for Trader Joe’s, hippy fruit snacks are not considered cool. Honestly, though, Simply Fruit is pretty decent. It’s 90% juice, no artificial coloring, no HFC, and one roll counts as one serving of fruit. But what does Teno think? Well, if he can get the package open, he’ll tell you…

PS We promise to buy a tripod. 

Do you have a healthy kid’s snack or recipe for kids you want Teno to try? Let us know about it in the comments!

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My name is Natalie, and I almost always hate my lunch.

Let me back up… I officially signed with a publisher and you can all expect to see Bake and Destroy: Good Recipes for Bad Vegans on the shelves (virtual shelves and actual shelves) in Spring 2013! You’d think with all the cooking I’m doing as I develop recipes I’d have plenty of leftovers for lunch, but the opposite is true. I’m cooking so much for the book that I just can’t face the kitchen another second in order to actually feed myself. Ironically, as I have been developing delicious, 100% plant-based recipes, I have fallen off the wagon myself, and started eating disgusting lunches containing the lowest form of cheese-like stuff.

With Teno reviewing snacks over on The Snackpot these days, I figured I’d throw my hat into the packaged goods review game as well. So here are some reviews of the frozen meals I’ve been living off of lately. I bought all of these myself, no PR folks involved, so my opinions are 100% genuine. By the way, I know that these are all gross and bad for me. I’ve shamed myself plenty, believe me.

Amy’s Cheese Enchiladas – The folks at Amy’s describe this entree as a “blend of cheeses, accented by olives and peppers.” I think “accented” was a very clever choice of words to describe a dish that is, essentially, two pieces of beige construction paper swimming in cheese-flavored oil. There isn’t a ton of flavor other than salt and oil and guess what? They consider ONE package to be TWO servings, so each one of these I mildly tolerated at lunchtime contained 28g of fat and 480 calories. Gnarly.

Candle Cafe Tofu Spinach Ravoli – “Wait, wait, wait,” I said to Tony the other day in the freezer section at Whole Foods. “Is this the same as Candle 79? I fuckin’ love that place!” Sure enough, these frozen entrees come from the Candle Cafe kitchens in NYC, where I enjoyed a delicious vegan feast not too long ago with my lady Melisser, author of A Vegan Girl’s Guide to Life. I admit I was scared, but I was shocked and amazed to find myself actually enjoying my lunch for once. Of course these retail for about $6 each, which is more than a freshly-made sandwich at Potbelly runs me… but it’s worth it to sit at my desk reading Cracked during lunch instead of being out among other humans.

Morning Star Farms Sweet n’ Sour Chick’n – I was so stoked to see Morningstar Farms get into the frozen entree game. I’ve been an office drone since 2008 and one of my major skill sets is eating stuff out of the microwave. When I was a newbie lazy vegetarian all I ate was Morning Star Farms stuff so as a lazy vegetarian lunch-eater, these entrees seemed heaven-sent. The lasagna is pretty good, but I make lasagna at home quite a bit so I bought the Sweet n’ Sour Chick’n a couple of times. The portion is really small, and there are only 4-5 chick’n nuggets in each one. The breading is soggy, and the sauce is more sweet than sour. Pretty gross, all in all.

Kashi Mayan Harvest Bake – The whole time I was eating this I kept pulling the box out of the garbage to re-read what was in it. “Plantains with roasted sweet potato, black beans and kale. Spicy ancho sauce with pumpkin seed garnish served over Kashi seven whole grain polenta, plus amaranth.” I admit, it was…weird. But I would eat it again. I also appreciate that one serving = one entire entree so I don’t have to do math to know that I just ate 340 calories and 9g of fat. Kashi stuff tends to have a good amount of protein and fiber, too, so I actually stay full when I eat it.

Amy’s Vegetable Parmesan Bowl – I speak in hyperbole, which is unfortunate because it means I have to go out of my way to describe things I hate when truly I hate them. I fucking hate this entree. I ate it this week and I’m still angry about it. Let me describe it to you. It’s a black, plastic tray half-filled with miscellaneous mushy vegetable-type squish sitting in a puddle of warm water, topped with greasy cheese. I don’t know what the vegetables were, because they tasted like wet thing and clinical depression. But hey, it was only 260 calories so at least I’ll be hungry again in 5 minutes!

Amy’s Mexican Casserole Bowl – Oh Amy’s, I’m not being very nice to you, am I? Let’s talk about one of your entrees I do continue to eat because I love it so. Mexican Casserole, and all its 16g of delicious fat is a staple in my disgusting, microwaved lunch diet. I’ll be honest – I’m just in it for the masa. Yes, I could eat a tamale if masa is all I want, but they don’t have vegetarian tamales in the freezer section at Target, and that’s usually where I am when I realize I didn’t bring anything for lunch. So I microwave this bowl of corn, cheese and beans and try to eat it all before my co-workers notice how gross I am.

Basically SWAD Foods Makes – At the end of the day, I know the truth about all this microwaved garbage I eat for lunch, It’s unhealthy, because it’s full of fats and salt to make it taste OK, and it doesn’t really taste OK because it’s made in the microwave and prone to mushiness. It’s the price I’m willing to pay to not have to wake up 15 minutes earlier in the morning to make myself lunch. Also, I kind of hate sandwiches, which are the official food of lunchtime. So what’s a girl to do?

Thankfully, there is SWAD. I get these packets for $1-2/each at my local Indian grocery store, and I’ve seen them in most major grocery stores. Zap a packet for 2 minutes and pour it over rice for a lunch that actually tastes like something, and has enough lentils and chickpeas and whatnot to keep you full until 4pm granola bar time. If you’ve never had paneer cheese, you might not want SWAD to be your first exposure, but I can vouch for all the cheeseless vegetarian dishes.

So that’s my confession about how disguising I am Monday-Friday between the hours of 12pm and 1pm. Actually typing that out might have influenced me to work on more entrees for my book so I have something to eat that I don’t have to be ashamed of. What do you guys eat for lunch? Anything I should be eating?

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Can you believe I made this graphic all by myself?

The other day (October 26, to be exact,) was my friend Phil’s birthday. Most of the world knows him has the lovable jerk CM Punk, harasser of bosses and The Best in the World. I know him as the lovable jerk who is notoriously difficult to birthday shop for. I think gift-wise I did pretty OK this year, but the cake is always the hardest part.

See, CM Punk hates frosting. It’s a debate we’ve had going since we met years ago. When he was making his way through the indie circuit I’d usually make him an angel food cake with fresh fruit, and real cake for everyone else we lived with. The last few years I made him cookies. But this year I happened to get my hands on a copy of Vegan Pie in the Sky by Isa Chandra Moskowitz and Terry Hope Romero right before the big day and decided to try my hand at a vegan Boston cream cake pie. It’s frosting-free, but with a layer of vanilla custard and another layer of ganache it’s definitely no angel food cake. Plus, Punk’s always been open-minded about eating vegan food so I knew he’d try it.

I got permission from Terry Hope Romero, who calls her kitchen The CM Punk Kitchen (Post-Punk Kitchen joke…) to share the recipe with you guys – so give it a try! It was a challenge for sure, but that’s what makes pie-baking so fun. Take a deep breath and read ALL the instructions before you get started.

Boston Hardcore Pie

Vanilla Cookie Crust

• 1 & 3/4 cups finely ground vegan vanilla wafers (I used Back to Nature)
• 3 Tbs sugar
• 4 Tbs melted margarine (I use melted coconut oil, or you could use canola oil)
• 1 Tbs plain non-dairy milk (I used almond)

Cake Layer

• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 Tbs cornstarch
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 3/4 cup plain soy milk
• 1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar
• 3 Tbs sugar
• 2 Tbs canola oil
• 1 tsp vanilla extract

At least he liked the shirt I gave him.

Vanilla Creme Layer

• 6oz silken tofu, drained (Use Edenic if you can find it!)
• generous pinch of salt
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp lemon juice
• 1/8 tsp almond extract
• 1 cup soy milk
• 1/2 tsp agar powder
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 Tbs cornstarch
• 2 Tbs coconut oil, room temperature

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When CakeSpy Head Spy and co-founder of Team Little (members: me and her) Jessie Oleson asked me to take part in her Tour de Sweet I knew I was going to have a tough choice ahead. For years I’ve been following her cray-cray creative baking experiments, wishing I had the guts to stuff cinnamon rolls with cookie dough or to try mailing a cupcake in an envelope. So with her new book CakeSpy Presents Sweet Treats for a Sugar-Filled Life in hand, I did what any rational food blogger would do. I took it into the bathtub with me.

Forty five minutes and a nice, bubbly soak later, I emerged wrinkly and inspired. With easy, but wildly creative directions for making such items as candy salad, Cadbury Creme Eggs Benedict and Pop Rocks cookies I can tell this book will be my go-to when Teno and I want to make something fun. But the recipe I chose to share with you all today actually comes not only from my love of CakeSpy, but also from my love of pro-wrestler Colt Cabana. See, when I got to page 139 and spotted a plate full of blue marshmallow dreidels, I immediately thought of Colt.

Side note: When I emailed Colt to let him know I was doing this post, he checked in to make sure there were no kiwis involved. I did, after all, nearly kill him with kiwi lotion back in 1999. Well, if you can die of hives then I almost killed him.

Anyway, whether you’re a fan of Colt’s, a CakeSpy follower or just in favor of eating religious imagery, these marshmallow dreidels are sure to please.

You will need:

• 1 & 1/4 cups blue candy melts*
• 12 large marshmallows**
• 12-16 thin, 3-4″ pretzel sticks
• 12 chocolate “kisses”
• white decorating icing (or white candy melts)

* I like Merckens because they taste good and they sound like “merkin” which is a pubic wig, and that makes me laugh. You can get Merckens at Bake It Pretty or Layer Cake Shop. Or, you can use Wiltons candy melts which are in most craft stores, but they taste like a pubic wig

**I had very grand notions about making my own vegan marshmallows (now that Melisser and I figured out how) but the universe was very much against me accomplishing that, so I used non-veg friendly store-bought ones. If you still wanted to use vegan, but don’t want to make your own I will advice that Dandies are a bit too small for this project. You might want to pick up some Sweet and Sara ‘mallows and reshape them with a cookie cutter.

Anyway….

Then you:

Line a baking sheet with wax paper or parchment paper. Melt the candy melts in your preferred fashion. (I use a double boiler.) Sir frequently to prevent scorching, then remove from heat when melted.

Spear each marshmallow with a pretzel stick, making sure that it goes 3/4 of the way through. Dip the bottom of a chocolate kiss in to the candy melt and adhere it to the other end of the marshmallow. Place it on its side on the waxed paper to set. Once you’ve done this with all your marshmallows, stick the baking sheet in the fridge for about 30 minutes.

Gently reheat the candy melts, and using the pretzel as a handle, dip one of the treats into the candy melts so it’s coated all the way to the top of the marshmallow. Return to the baking sheet and repeat with the remaining dreidels. One side of your treat will be flat, but that’s OK – it keeps them from rolling around! Using white icing or white candy melts in a mold painter, paint your favorite Hebrew letters on each dreidel. Me? I painted the slogan from Colt’s t-shirts.

Let the treats set for about 30 minutes before serving.

Want more Colt? Check out Art of Wrestling Radio on iTunes! Want more blog posts about Jessie’s fantastic book? Check out the rest of the blog Tour de Sweet!

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If you don’t already know today’s guest blogger, you’ve definitely met several hundred of his relatives in your lifetime. This guest post comes from Reggie, author of The Housefly Chronicles. Reggie, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, is a Chicago housefly who enjoys the finer things in life. From the Logan Square Market to trendy gastro-pubs. He was kind enough to review Jessica Harlan’s new cookbook, Ramen to the Rescue: 120 Creative Recipes for Easy Meals Using Everyone’s Favorite Pack of Noodles while I work a little more on my book. I’ll be back next week with my contribution to CakeSpy’s Blog Tour!

Pineapple Upside-Down Cake with Candied Noodles

This is human food(?)

These wonder noodles take me back to my maggot days when my parents didn’t have much except a quickly-evaporating latrine and a leftover pile of Maruchan ramen to feed us.  It was filthy sustenance, and I was thankful.  But reviewing a recipe implies that a dish be constructed, and this is where the trepidation comes in. I CAN’T COOK!  I have 6 legs, none of which have opposable thumbs.  My lifespan is counted in days. So why waste precious time slaving over an oven when I could be eating other people’s food?  What’s a fly to do?  Find a stupid human to do the work for me, that’s what.  This is where Jake comes in.  He actually enjoys cooking.

You need thumbs to assemble it.

You will need:

• 1 package ramen noodles, any flavor
• 1 (20-oz) can pineapple rings
• 1 (18-oz) package yellow cake mix
• 3 large eggs, or as instructed on the cake mix package
• 1/3 cup oil, or as instructed on the cake mix package
• 5 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 (14-oz) jar maraschino cherries
• coconut or vanilla-caramel ice cream, to serve

How sweet it is.

Bake the cake until a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out dry, 45-55 minutes.  Put a heatproof platter or baking sheet upside-down over the cake, turn the plate and the cake over, and leave the pan over the cake for few minutes to let the caramel drizzle onto the cake before removing the pan.  Store the cake covered loosely with plastic wrap for up to 2 to 3 days.  Serve warm with scoops of ice cream.

Jake the human